Hell League Week 18: A Winner Is You

James Pogatshnik reviews this year in Hell League, a torturous boutique fantasy league he takes particular relish in inflicting upon listeners of Norse Code.

Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images

The Carolina Panthers have had an exceptionally difficult season. From numerous injuries to having one of the worst receiving groups in the league to a coach firing after only 11 games, this has been an historically terrible year for Charlotte, NC. And they don’t even have their own first-round pick this year, the top overall selection in the draft, to show for it. 

Despite having 2023 No. 1 pick Bryce Young, they rank 31st in the league in passing offense averaging 167.1 yards per game, and 20th in rushing with 102.4. The only team that has scored fewer points this year is the New England Patriots, and the Patriots are only behind the Panthers by three points, 236 to 233. Further, their defense has allowed 49 touchdowns, placing them 29th in the league.

All of this even though they were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, according to a former Viking. 

Even if they manage to achieve a moral victory against the Bucs on Sunday, this season will be remembered as their worst since 2010. But 2010 had a sweet consolation prize — they were able to acquire Cam Newton until they ran him out of town. 

To top off their disappointing 2023, they failed to score a single point in a game for the first time in 21 years. There will be players drafted by the Panthers who were not even born before the last time this happened, on November 24th, 2002.

In contrast, the Jaguars have shut out an opponent only nine times in their franchise history, a history that goes back to 1995 for both teams. The last time they had done it was last year in Week 2 against a ghastly Matt Ryan-led Colts team.  At least Jim Irsay did not spill his drink on a fan after that defeat.

Due to a few rough weeks, the Jags defense was available on the waiver wire in most Hell Leagues including the one we've been following in the past few weeks. In Week 17, during the championship game, they scored the third-highest point total for a defense this year, producing 90 points for the Fighting Wine Towels, who secured their first Hell League title.

With a point difference of 148.6, this was the biggest blowout of the week and it marked the end of the season for the Cursed Amulet. Both teams started players who were ruled out late in the week or just minutes before the game started. 

The Amulet lost its quarterback and RB2, causing them to rely heavily on Jake Moody and a suddenly inaccurate Younghoe Koo, who made his extra point but only went 1 for 3 on field goals. If Koo had made his 42- and 50-yard attempts, his overall score would have been a respectable 78.4.

Meanwhile, the Fighting Wine Towels received significant contributions from their kicker combination of Fairbairn and Zuerlein, totaling 135.8 points. Only Harrison Butker's 154.4 points scored more than Fairbairn this week, leading the Anime Porn Guy to a third-place finish. 

When your team's biggest underperforming player (who actually played in the game) is Justin Jefferson, it's going to be a successful week (special shoutout to Davante Adams, who was actually useful for the first time since Week 3).

Admittedly, it's a bit lame when the winner of the league is the commissioner, and I accept that. And of course, this was mostly an auto-drafted squad built on waivers. Instead of focusing on my championship win, I thought it would be more enjoyable to look at season-ending stats for players and teams. Let's start with kickers.

The league MVP this year for kickers is Jason Myers of Seattle, with an impressive 786.6 points for the season. In case you're curious, the top three offensive players this year were McCaffrey (394.3), Lamb (367.7), and Tyreek Hill (365.7). Myers managed to double the points of each of them while kicking in outdoor stadiums for 12 of their games this year! 

Myers made 82.5% of his field goals and was a perfect 39 for 39 on extra-point attempts. In the past, general managers have made a conscious effort to draft players who spent most of their time playing indoors. Jason Myers shattered that narrative and had a remarkable season. Last year, Jason finished fourth in points behind Daniel Carlson, Justin Tucker, and Chase McLaughlin.

It is difficult to rank the worst kicker of the year due to point totals and the limited number of games some kickers have played during the season. Instead, let us focus on ranking the worst single-game performances of the year.

Lucas Havrisik had a terrible weekend, which ultimately resulted in the worst kicking performance of the year. Missing two extra points in a single game, combined with inconsistent field goal performance throughout the year (75% success rate), is a surefire way to find oneself released, and that is exactly what happened to Havrisik by the Rams.

Now, let us examine the performances of the defenses. Cleveland's defense emerged as the clear winner in this category. Their performance is particularly remarkable considering they faced Baltimore twice this year, though it should also be acknowledged that their achievement is somewhat diminished when considering they also played against Kenny Pickett twice.

The safety position is often underappreciated in the Hell League (and possibly all of football), which is precisely the reason we have it included here. Typically, after the season, the safety position is deemed as leaving potential points on the table. This year the top safety is none other than Jessie Bates III from the Atlanta! 

His league-leading score comes despite not leading the NFL among safeties in sacks, solo tackles, assisted tackles, tackles for loss, or forced fumbles. Bates' six interceptions were the second-highest among all safeties. A special mention goes to Geno Stone of Baltimore with his seven interceptions.

Before we conclude, I would like to share one of my favorite scores and screenshots from this past season.

If you are interested, the league is open to everyone for viewing online at:

https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/549771/

If you would like to participate next year, registration for the lottery will be open on August 1st. Thank you to everyone for playing (except for Don from Ohio and his 5th-place finish!