The Hell League: MVP Brandon Aubrey Carries (Most) Teams to the Playoffs

James Pogatshnik returns to update us on the Hell League, a unique set of leagues with a devastating scoring system. This week, he previews the fantasy playoffs.

Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images

Every week, James Pogatshnik updates us on the progress of the Hell League, a boutique fantasy league for listeners of the Norse Code Podcast. For more on the nature of the league and how it developed, read James’ first piece.

In the world of kickers, we don’t usually see many storylines capture the public eye. But a lot of ink has been spilled this week about the rookie kicker for the Dallas Cowboys, Brandon Aubrey. The more you delve into his story, the more it seems like a unique path into the league, similar to that of former Vikings receiver, the undrafted Adam Thielen. 

Aubrey was a soccer star at Notre Dame and was drafted by Toronto FC in the MLS. After playing on farm teams for a while, he was released by Bethlehem Steel FC, now known as Philadelphia Union II. Aubrey then became a software engineer. 

Despite never having played the sport before, he trained multiple times a week for three years to become a placekicker. He was later signed by the USFL's Birmingham Stallions and they went on to win two league championships (unjustly defeating your hero and mine, Case Cookus). 

Now, he is kicking for the Dallas Cowboys and has scored the fifth most points in the Hell League this year, with 140.80 points this weekend alone. His performance last week had a significant impact on playoff seeding matchups in the eight Hell Leagues making him the MVP of the week.

He’s the type of kicker this league loves - high percentage on field goals of long distances (or any for that matter. He hasn’t missed a FG this year in 30 attempts) and has just enough missed extra points to be infuriating. He put up negative numbers this year in weeks 1, 11, and 12 but his overall percentage is roughly 92%.

Arif picked him up in week three, and despite Aubrey's excellent performance throughout the year, the “Useful Humans” rank #9 in the consolation bracket. Because the Hell League is a cruel mistress. And this year, the universe has decided to pile on him as much as possible (probably for a reason).

This situation raises an interesting point when it comes to building a Hell League roster. Should you choose a kicker on a team with more opportunities for extra points? Or should you go for a kicker on a team with a struggling offense that often reaches field goal range? 

Another option is to select a team that frequently attempts two-point conversions, like the Arizona Cardinals. The current top-ranked team in the league has kickers from the #11 (Kansas City) and #19 (Seattle) teams in the NFL. Meanwhile, the second-ranked team chose kickers from the #16 (Chargers) and #28 (the Jets) teams. On the other hand, the worst team in the league went with kickers from Cincinnati and Miami which are near the top.

Before we discuss the playoffs, let's take a look at the top seven kickers and defenses of the week. It’s important to note that every single one of them scored more than the top offensive player of the week and in some cases it wasn’t remotely close. Aubrey's 214 field goal yards alone earned him more points than Lamar Jackson's performance against the Rams.

But the real reason why we’re all here is to see the negative points from the kickers so let’s roll that beautiful bean footage!

A note on Matt Gay: his negative 65 points this week affected all eight teams that drafted him in the Hell League. Every single team lost their matchup simply because they had him on their roster. Gay's missed extra point and field goal cost many GMs their hopes and dreams. It's hard to believe that it might have been better to roster Daniel Carlson, who only took the field to kick off the second half of the game.

Now, let's break down the playoffs, starting with the two bye week teams. The first seed "Anime Porn Guy" (it’s a reference to his wife walking in on him while watching the HBO animated comedy “Harley Quinn” which led to a mailbag question. Regardless of the context it’s still off-putting) is leading with an 11-3 record, followed by "The Fighting Wine Towels" at 10-4.

It's worth noting that these teams only played once during the regular season, resulting in a 66 point blowout victory for the anime … enthusiast.

The next matchup involves the sixth-seeded "Stolen Carr" against the third-seeded "Die Fliegende Sköllander." The "Stolen Carr" has lost to "Die Fliegende Sköllander" in both previous meetings, including a week 13 game where the former only scored seven points from their kickers. 

However, the "Stolen Carr" has the second-highest scoring defense in the league with Dallas, so it might not be a complete rout. Sköllander’s power comes from their kickers which have scored 129.6 points over the past two weeks compared to Carr’s 52.6.

The second matchup in the championship division features a clash between Don from Ohio's "Arif's Uncle" (4) and the "Vikings Kicker's Cursed Amulet" (5). It is difficult for me to remain impartial when discussing Don's team, so I won't even attempt to do so. Don enters the playoffs after defeating a team that started Matt Gay and incurred a whopping -62 points from their kickers. 

In their sole encounter this season, Don suffered a defeat by a margin of 92.6 points to the cursed amulet, with their kickers only contributing a mere 3 points. Astonishingly, every single player on the amulet's roster outperformed Don's kickers individually. 

The situation was brutal. The Amulet is starting two kickers playing against two awful defenses (Carolina, Arizona) which should help him run up the score. It’s also worth noting that Don is currently starting Greg Joseph so just remember that if he misses on Saturday, it will may hurt the Vikings but will also have a greater negative impact on Don's team.

Lastly, I wanted to share a screenshot of my favorite matchup among all the Hell League games this week. Not only did this participant forget to start a quarterback but both of their kickers recorded negative scores, resulting in a total of -66 points. 

It is worth mentioning that this participant had an active kicker on their bench so even if they had emerged victorious, I would have been forced to disqualify them in accordance with the rules. Rules are rules, after all. 

This league is open to everyone to view if you’d like to follow the action online: 

https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/549771/

Good luck to everyone (excluding Don, obviously) and we’ll be back for the semi finals next week!