The Hell League: Prologue

Co-host of the Norse Code Podcast, James Pogatshnik, introduces the concept of his fantasy football league -- the Hell League. Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter

Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

When the inevitable happens and I leave this world behind, I’d like my epitaph to say a few things: devoted father, loving son, teller of a thousand stories, and creator of the fantasy football Hell League.

The Hell League was established in 2021 as a platform to experiment with innovations in fantasy cruelty, and it has far surpassed my expectations. You’re never alive like you are every game day when you are a part of the Hell League. 

Every year in August I formally announce on our podcast, Norse Code, that listeners may now enter the lottery for spots. Every year, you can hear the giddiness in my voice.

It’s finally time to introduce a new group of souls into what has been described by many as the only fantasy football league that matters. 

Originally, the Norse Code leagues were famous for the standard scoring and player positions, except for one critical difference - every missed XP was worth negative 25 points. Greg Joseph having himself a meltdown with three missed XPs? Too bad! You’re now at minus-75 points for your kicker. Oh wait… he made his fourth attempt? Enjoy your minus-74 now instead. 

Every time a new person is introduced to the system, they inevitably bring up the genius strategy of keeping the kicker slot empty. We’ve thought of that.  You have to start an active kicker otherwise you forfeit the week.

We had set up several Yahoo leagues with this rule in place and hundreds have enjoyed the ridiculousness. Every time a missed kick happened on screen my Twitter notifications lit up like a fireworks display and I was asked to show a screenshot of the chaos it caused. 

One evening, while preparing for an episode with Arif, I proposed the idea of a sandbox league with our listeners and friends to test out new features for our existing leagues. We brainstormed ideas, such as requiring the starting of a safety, as it seemed like the position was losing its significance in football. 

We also pondered the idea of having a defense that could outscore Patrick Mahomes, and necessitating the starting of two kickers each week with a unique scoring system that Yahoo had never seen before.

Arif was immediately sold on the concept, and I began my search for participants to join the original Hell League. Without knowing the specific rules or points system, they all signed up because they trusted me to provide a wild and memorable experience, similar to watching a movie solely because of the director's reputation.

A colleague and I developed the points structure that is still in use today. As shown below, we made several adjustments to the standard Yahoo setup. We assigned higher points for significant offensive plays, increased the value of a quarterback's yardage, and penalized them for sacks, interceptions, and fumbles (we found it fitting to assign -6 points for a pick-six). Depending on various factors, you could potentially earn double points on offense. 

On defense we made it worth picking a team up in the first eight rounds of the draft. Sacks, interceptions, fourth down stops, tackles for loss, and points allowed can make for a very happy team owner by Tuesday morning. 

However, what truly distinguishes this league is the requirement to start two active kickers every week, with a unique scoring system that incorporates not only extra points but all kicks. As shown below, there is a sliding scale for successful kicks and misses, along with a ghastly deduction of -50 points for missed extra points. 

It is worth noting that the deduction was initially set at -25 points, but I changed it to -50 midseason because it wasn't penalizing players enough. Many individuals expressed their anger toward me on the day of the announcement, and their reaction was justified. I changed already-existing scores that week to account for the change.

Welcome to Hell League.

This point structure for kickers, along with the 5 yards per point rule, has led to some truly amazing scores. Whenever someone shares a screenshot online, I consistently hear the same refrain: "I wouldn't bother starting a kicker." 

However, those individuals completely miss the point of our league, particularly the experimental league with kicker yardage. Along with the standard requirement to start active kickers --  your score is reduced to zero if you win in that circumstance -- you miss out on your best opportunity to score big points. 

For example, Dustin Hopkins scored 140.00 points in Week 7 against the Colts. In Week 10, Jason Myers scored 138.80 points against Washington. In Week 3, the scoring leader was Matt Gay, with 164.80 points. Imagine letting go of that opportunity.

Additionally, you cannot hoard kickers on your team due to bye weeks. If an active kicker is left on your bench during a busy bye week, it results in an automatic loss due to the number of teams (12) and the limited availability of kickers. 

Secondly, the majority of individuals who contact me each year to join our leagues are Vikings fans, and we share a unique bond with our kickers that has developed over the years. If we are not concerned about being cursed or experiencing a field goal miss wide right (or left, resulting in the relaunch of a podcast), then we cannot claim to be true Vikings fans. 

The connection between potential missed kicks and a ruined Sunday due to fantasy football is as close as a league can get to replicating the real game day experience. And it’s so popular that this year I converted all of the old -25 point leagues (eight overall) into Hell Leagues!

In the coming weeks, I’ll be documenting the 2023 Hell League playoffs for our original league. These are teams that are well-established in their third year and about to experience the yearly troubles that come with the change in temperature and the chaotic nature of the scoring system. 

Brace yourself for an emotional rollercoaster as friends become enemies, enemies become friends, veteran backup QBs battle to prove their worth, and our GMs strategize to build the perfect winning formula. I’ll analyze the scoring and attempt to give a glimpse into our very random world.

I’ve often said this league doesn’t create character - it reveals it. The only thing I can compare to watching a game with your kicker in it is putting WAY too much money down on a Thursday night game when both teams are absolutely godawful. It’s probably going to end in tears and you’re going to have to explain to your significant other why you spent the last half hour screaming in your Hyundai parked on the street. Again.