The Hell League: Week 16, a Pronunciation Guide

James Pogatshnik returns to update us on the Hell League, a unique set of leagues with a devastating scoring system. This week, we learn about names.

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Every week, James Pogatshnik updates us on the progress of the Hell League, a boutique fantasy league for listeners of the Norse Code Podcast. For more on the nature of the league and how it developed, read James’ first piece.

Chris Boswell is a thirty-two-year-old placekicker for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He attended Rice University (home of the Owls, which is now in my top five favorite team names) and was a three-year starter with a career FG percentage of 73.86% and 95.3% on extra points. 

He ranks second on Rice University's career scoring list, behind former Jacksonville Jaguar Jarrett Dillard, and graduated in 2013. Following his graduation, he went undrafted and signed with the Houston Texans in 2014. However, he spent the remainder of the year on their practice squad. In 2015, he joined the New York Giants — twice. But they waived him both times, which ultimately made him available for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

During that season, the Steelers had already lost two kickers to injured reserve and decided to cut ties with Josh Scobee after he missed two field goals in the fourth quarter, resulting in a loss to the Ravens.

Boswell made an immediate impact with the team, successfully converting three extra points and a 47-yard field goal. Since then, he has been the starting kicker for the Steelers. He even made it to the Pro Bowl in 2017 and has never missed a field goal within the thirty-yard line throughout his entire career, boasting a success rate of 94.7% on extra points.

Despite the Pittsburgh Steelers facing numerous challenges this year, one thing they had going for them was Boswell's consistency in converting extra points. Until the Steelers’ Week 15 matchup against the Colts, they were one of only twelve teams in the league that had not missed an extra point.

Now, why am I sharing all of this? Firstly, because Chris Boswell's Wikipedia article is hilariously comprehensive, and I highly recommend visiting it just to ponder why a kicker needs individual game breakdowns per year and such extensive coverage. What’s almost more impressive is that multiple people maintain the article for some reason. 

Secondly, his first missed extra point of the year dashed the hopes and dreams of the third-ranked "Die Fliegende Sköllander" and they are now out of the playoffs.

To be eliminated from the playoffs due to a doink is truly disheartening. Skollander could have started almost any other kicker in the league and moved on, even with Justin Fields performing poorly.

Can we also take a moment to appreciate that Miami's defense scored more points than both teams' combined kicker scores? It's absolutely ridiculous.

I also wanted to mention that in another Hell League, this missed field goal also knocked me out of the playoffs. As a result, I am slightly bitter. I had trusted the Wizard of Boz, but I was wrong.

Moving on, our second quarterfinal game showcased Don from Ohio’s Arif’s Uncle versus the Vikings Kickers' Cursed Amulet. Unfortunately (or fortunately, which is how I view it), Don was unceremoniously eliminated from contention, despite starting Oakland's defense, which scored two touchdowns.

Hilariously, the Falcons' defense scored more points than the Raiders' defense, despite the Falcons losing to the Panthers! It’s worth noting that if the Chargers defense could have done almost anything against the Raiders defense then Daniel Carlson could have done more to help Don other than his nine made extra points. Las Vegas was too successful on both sides of the ball! 

It appears that victory defeated Don from Ohio and I, for one, am totally on board with that.

Furthermore, it's worth mentioning that Don's team scored the least amount of points not only among the playoff teams but also among all teams in the entire league.

Additionally, it's noteworthy that three of the top six teams in terms of points scored this year did not make it to the championship bracket. That's just the nature of Hell. 

Moving forward, let's take a look at the semi-finals, where the top-ranked "Anime Porn Guy" will face off against "The Vikings Cursed Amulet."

The Amulet has a few things working in his favor. Defensively, he currently has Buffalo as his team, which is going against the charitable Chargers. Over the past three weeks, teams playing against the Chargers have scored an average of 45.3 points, ten more than Yahoo's current prediction. 

Additionally, Jake Moody, the kicker for San Francisco, has not missed an extra point throughout the year, although he has only attempted one field goal since week 12. On the other hand, the anime enthusiast will be relying on Harrison Butker to continue his excellent performance this year, despite missing a field goal for the first time last week.

The Anime Porn Guy suffered defeats in both matchups against the Cursed Amulet, accounting for two out of his three losses this season. The first loss occurred in week 2 with a score of 180.72 - 185.94, and the second loss took place in week 13 with a score of 164.12 - 225.82.

In the second semifinal game, we have the "Fighting Wine Towels" going up against "Stolen Carr."

I must disclose that my team is participating in this league, so I will make an effort to remain unbiased toward both teams. The Wine Towels are hoping for the Jets offense to return to its previous level of incompetence, rather than being exceptionally bad, so they can score a few field goals against the Commanders. 

They also need an exceptional performance from Ka'imi Fairbairn, who was the highest-scoring kicker last week with a total of 102.4 points. Fairbairn, whose full name is John Christian Ka’iminoeauloameka’ikeokekumupa’a Fairbairn (pronounced kye-ee-me-noah-L-ow-ah-make-a-e-kay-o-kah-koo-mah-pah-ah), recently made a comeback after being on the injured reserve list.

On the other hand, Stolen Carr hopes that the Dallas defense will cease to be a pushover for good teams as they face the league's best offense in Miami. In regards to the Hell League rankings, Dallas currently holds the third spot for defense, followed immediately by the Dolphins.

These two teams faced off in week 9 earlier this year with the Fighting Wine Towels edging out Stolen Carr 206.06 - 166.04.

This league is open to everyone to view if you’d like to follow the action online: 

https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/549771/

Good luck to everyone (still excluding Don) and we’ll be back for the finals next week!